Parenting My Child's Heart

I am always reading. Always.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been surrounded by books. My nightstand is perpetually covered with a pile of unread novels, I never leave home without at least one book tucked away in my purse, and every trip to the mall begins with a stop at Barnes and Noble. Yep, I love reading.

Thankfully, we serve a God who uses our passions to draw us closer to Him. Throughout the past few months, God has been using my love of reading to strengthen my faith and encourage me on the journey of discipleship. More on that later. He has also directed me to some good reads about prayer, a discipline I have chosen to focus on this year. Praying for Boys: Asking God for the Things They Need Most by Brooke McGlothlin is one of those good reads. Although I am not even halfway through the book, I find that Brooke’s words are already speaking to my heart.

Throughout Praying for Boys, Brooke teaches parents (especially mothers) how to pray for what their sons need most. Focusing on things like overcoming fear and developing a servant’s heart, Brooke demonstrates how we can pray Scripture for our sons. In the chapter about praying for heart change, Brooke writes, “I have absolutely no power to change the hearts of my boys … I know that what’s in their heart eventually comes out. I know if their knees are ever to bend to Jesus as Savior, their hearts must bend first … Until the King of Kings and Lord of Lords turns your son’s heart of stone to a heart of flesh, his actions will be motivated by what is pleasing to himself rather than by what is pleasing to the Lord” (58).

This idea, although simple, stopped me in my tracks. You see, I know this is true. I know that until Asher gives his heart to Jesus, he will live for himself. I know that Asher’s heart must change before his behavior can change. I know that God alone is capable of softening Asher’s heart.

I know these things. But does that knowledge inform the way I parent? I’m afraid the answer is no. And I suspect that I’m not alone.

Far too often, our parenting targets our children’s behavior rather than their hearts. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Our thoughts, words, and actions are rivers that flow from the deep wellspring of our hearts. If the waters of our hearts are pure and good, this purity and goodness will overflow into our thoughts, words, and actions as well. But if we allow the waters of our hearts to be polluted by the world and our own sinful desires, the pollution will spread to the way we think, speak, and act. Because we are a fallen people, our hearts are naturally polluted, inclined to selfishness and sin. We need a Savior. Only Jesus can transform the heart.

As parents, it is important to remember that our children’s hearts are naturally polluted, and only Jesus can bring about genuine transformation. In the short term, we might be able to “fix” some of our children’s wrong behavior. But if we stop there, we are treating a symptom rather than the disease. In the long term, a heart change must take place if our children are to experience authentic transformation. We are powerless to change our children’s hearts on our own; only Jesus can do that. But we can spend time on our knees, crying out to the Great Changer of Hearts. We can be prayer warriors for our children, appealing to the God who is in the business of transformation.

When I think about how I can target Asher's heart with my parenting, I think about my Heavenly Father who relentlessly pursues my heart. I think about the way He has transformed my life, and I realize that my heart has been won by His grace and love. My Heavenly Father is patient and present. He is slow to anger, abounding in love. His love is unconditional, and He draws me to Himself in spite of my sinfulness. I have been shown how to parent my child's heart in the way my Heavenly Father cares for me. I pray that God cultivates these qualities within me as I pray for and pursue my child's heart.