Treasures of Darkness

I have always struggled with doubt.

It's not something I like to admit, but it's true. Some people rest in their faith; I wrestle with mine. For many years, I feared that my doubts made me a "bad" Christian. Recently, however, I've learned to rejoice in times of doubt. Why? Because in times of doubt I chase after God. Desperately.

During the last few weeks, doubt has once again crept into my heart and mind. But this week I read a verse that helped put my doubt in its place. Isaiah 45:3 says, "I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name." I know that I'm not considering the larger context of this verse, but the part about "treasures of darkness" really spoke to my heart. My doubts, although places of darkness, have become unlikely treasures.

When I doubt, I often search for intellectual arguments to substantiate my faith in God, to prove His existence. I long to approach faith like a scientist, verifying my hypothesis with empirical data. In reality, however, "faith is confidence of what we hope for and assurance of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1). For me, science and faith are at odds. Science seeks to explain that which can be tested and observed, while faith rests itself in that which cannot. When I attempt to justify my faith solely through intellectual arguments and empirical data, I am attempting to reduce faith to fact. In effect, I render faith superfluous in my demand for facts.

In addition, when I attempt to substantiate God's existence with facts, I reduce Him to something my mortal, finite mind can understand. In effect, I recreate God in my image. In my quest for proof, I demand that my holy, sovereign Creator limit Himself to that which can be understood by me, His lowly creature - I reduce God to creature rather than Creator. A God who can be fully explained by His creatures is no God at all, for who can worship someone who is wholly understandable and fathomable? I could not (and would not want to!) put my faith in a God I could fully understand.

With God, there are no contradictions. There are only mysteries that my mortal mind cannot explain. My prayer is that I would be awakened to these mysteries, that God would let me rest in His sovereignty and holiness. May I always be mindful of my "creature-liness" when I consider the mysteries of my Creator.

This week, my doubts have forced me to reflect upon what I know about God. When I doubt, I am desperate for a glimpse of my Heavenly Father; I chase the Lord, the God of Israel.

And these doubts? They've become a treasure of darkness because they keep me in continual pursuit of my Creator.